because the crazy republican guy isn't very interesting and the whole thing reads like big city liberals bashing hick southerners
discipline posted:
Keven posted:Sexy Hypnotist
BY KEVEN
Int. a electoral debate - day
Two podiums are set up and two men in suits stand behind them. SENATOR KELLY (a southern dandy of a gentleman) is on the left, MR. DAVIS (a no nonsense midwestern type) on the right.
MR. DAVIS
First let me say, America is the greatest nation in the world. But we aren't without our challenges. Poverty, unemployment, racism... these continue to be issues in the nation and here, in our home state.
SENATOR KELLY
Pardon my French gentlemen but that's a load of bull hooey. You can talk about problems all day and bring everyone down but here's what I know about America. We have sexy hypnotist shows.
MR. DAVIS
I'm afraid I don't understand.
SENATOR KELLY
Well it's like a regular hypnotist like you'd see at the fair, but in an adults only venue. And once he gets those folks hypnotized he makes them do sexy stuff.
MR. DAVIS
No, I understand the concept of a sexy hypnotist, what I don't understand is what it has to do with the question.
SENATOR KELLY
Ah Mr. Davis, I always forget. A man like you, up in your ivory tower. Never mixing with the common folk. No, what would you know about a sexy hypnotist.
MR. DAVIS
I'm literally a farmer. I literally farm for a living.
SENATOR KELLY
(continuing) Yes, for folks like me and the rest of the proud population of our humble state, we like to relax after a long week of work. We like to take our minds off the issues of the day and come together in common communion.
MR. DAVIS
Sure, at a bar or a bowling league or whatever. I myself am a member of a bowling league.
SENATOR KELLY
Bowling League? I was unaware we were graced by the presence of one of the ancient kings of old, the wealth of Solomon dripping from his fingers in rings and baubles. No sir, we are not members of any bowling league. We attend sexy hypnotist shows.
MR. DAVIS
I have lived here for over forty years and I've never once heard a single person talk about sexy hypnotist shows in this way.
SENATOR KELLY
And in what way have you heard them discussed, Mr. Kelly? Dissected clinically in your college classrooms, disassembled into their component parts with your post-modern literature degree? Sir, that is not how a sexy hypnotist show should be thought of. A sexy hypnotist show is a living thing, passed from our grandfathers to our fathers to us and from us to our children!
MR. DAVIS
My degree is in communications, I got it over thirty years ago. Again, I'm a farmer. You know this.
SENATOR KELLY
Are you truly sir? I wonder, sir, would you say the same if you were under the hot lights of a bar stage, placed into a deep trance by a Svengali of the highest order. Would you claim these same community roots as you were commanded to experience sexual orgasm every time the word horseradish is uttered?
MR. DAVIS
I... how are we even talking about this? Listen, under Senator Kelly we've gone from rank fifteen in education to rank thirty eight. We have the fifth poorest Latinos in the nation. Main street right here in the capital has become a haven for drug addicts. This sexy hypnotist centric policy has been an abject failure.
SENATOR KELLY
How dare you sir!
MR. DAVIS
Let me finish! Support for poor working mothers has dropped under Senator Kelly by almost three million dollars a year. Meanwhile, five and a half million dollars in federal funding was appropriated for the advancement of "Sensual and Hypnotic Arts."
SENATOR KELLY
Sir that is something I call job creation! As the factories and distribution centers leave our shores for lands foreign, we must diversify into markets in which the Chinaman is no competition. What does the Guatemalan know of the showman's erotic trances? Nothing! These jobs are American and American alone!
MR. DAVIS
That's completely insane, and racist in a way that I can feel but have a hard time describing. How have you held this post for over twenty years?
SENATOR KELLY
I suppose there's no harm in telling you, sir. This election is already locked up.
MR. DAVIS
You couldn't mean..?
SENATOR KELLY
Yes sir, I do. Long ago I identified the only constituency of true import: the hypnotist.
CUT TO
int. A polling booth - day
A crowd of people mill about the polling booth, acting like chickens, pretending to be naked, and sleepwalking.
CROWD
WE VOTE FOR SENATOR KELLY