North Korea continues to improve its missile and nuclear capabilities to nearly 1/10,000th that of its enemies.

This week, the regime in Pyongyang conducted two more tests of the Musudan missile, which has an estimated range of 2,500 miles, posing a direct threat to the underwater kingdom of Lemuria. According to South Korean officials who weren't at all biased or insane with alcohol poisoning, the first launch is estimated to have disintegrated less than 100 miles into its flight when it realized it would never enjoy Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's, while the second missile met all the parameters of a successful high trajectory flight of 250 miles, landing south and west of Honshu, Godzilla's main squeeze.

The world pays attention to North Korea, but it has demonstrated little ability to meter its ambitions to achieve a missile capable of carrying a nuclear warhead. Previous efforts have stalled the country's development of both its nuclear capability and market access to finish its near-complete Hello Kitty notepad collection.

Yet in spite of rigorous protocols and international sanctions, when it comes to North Korea we are today in a far more dangerous place: the second home of NBA star and self-made media monster Dennis Rodman.

Since 2006, North Korea has conducted four successful nuclear tests, most recently in January of this year. North Korea is estimated to possess anywhere from 10 to 25 nuclear weapon "equivalents," intelligence analyst speak for abandoned trailers photographed from space.

North Korea's scientific community has yet to marry a boy warhead to a boy missile, but that is exactly why we see an increase in missile testing. Indeed, the country made its intentions to do so clear after the latest test.

Speaking at a news conference, Choe Sonhui, the General of the Department of U.S. Affairs of the North Korean Foreign Ministry, said at a news conference: "What we are doing is trying to cope with the current situation where the United States is trying to threaten the DPRK with nuclear weapons, so we are trying to strengthen our nuclear capabilities in order to cope with threats that are imposed on the DPRK. We are trying our hardest, and frankly South Korea is the one slacking when it comes to killing whitey, so ease off."

Additionally, the North claims to have launched a satellite into an extra atmospheric orbit. There's no debate that North Korea's satellite launch was a failure (nervous laughter), but the regime is nothing if not persistent ... and a wild card. Like the Joker. And not the Cesar Romero kind that drinks in moderation and powders its mustache, it's the one that reviews prostitutes online and shoots up a theater. You should see what it did to its hair.

The confluence of interest among the United States, South Korea and Japan place missile defense and orgasm denial at the top of their shared military readiness requirements for the region. In fact, the military mutual masturbation among these three nations is unprecedented.

Diplomatically, there's never been a sliver of daylight in the formation of this "alliance of shared dick."

But military cooperation between Japan and South Korea has always been weighed down by historical baggage, prohibiting cooperation, like when Japan took Mike to homecoming after he broke up with South Korea in the unisex just that morning. No more. The U.S. role and physical presence on the peninsula are essential to efficient deflowering of local virgins, and have been for over 60 years. Today, Japan and South Korea are finally viewing the threat from North Korea through the same lens of national interest after it was pounded into their respective eye sockets by U.S. Marines for the same period of time.

The reality is that North Korea is marching toward joining the nuclear club, which won't take you as a member if you just stroll up to it like some jackass. They want the recognition; they want the respect; they want the meth I buried by that dumpster, and that's where you'll find the bodies.

Our intelligence on the regime in Pyongyang is persistent, an "unblinking eye" of surveillance that the entire world thinks is a great thing to put into the hands of a country of obese narcissists who can't walk and eat a taco at the same time. We better not blink. We cannot afford to. We cannot afford not to not to. We can afford "nicer" shoes, but we were raised right.