#1
Post rating: +++++
THE AVENGERS

Keven aka Just Keven aka "Big" Keven

EXT. A BIG CITY

CAPTAIN AMERICA, THOR, IRON MAN, HAWKEYE, and THE HULK stand
at the ready in hero poses.

C. AMERICA
Guys if we don’t stop Ultron from
doing his crime on the city all
these people will be dead.

IRON MAN
I feel bad about making Ultron.

THE HULK
Hulk forgive you. You have good
intention.

IRON MAN
Thank you, The Hulk.

Hawkeye gently palms Thor’s behind.

HAWKEYE
Damn Thor.

THOR
Oh you like that?

HAWKEYE
That’s amazing. Firm but smooth,
with good volume. You guys have got
to check out Thor’s ass.

The avengers take turns admiring and patting Thor’s rump.

THOR
It’s nice to be noticed. Thank you,
Hawkeye.

HULK
Hulk have strength but hard to
shape glutes. What Thor’s secret?

IRON MAN
That’s spectacular, Thor. I feel
like I’ve let myself go since I get
to wear this armor all the time.

THOR
Armor is easier to shape than
muscle, my friend. Why not curve
your armor so that you have a
banging robot butt?

IRON MAN
I should have invented a good metal
butt instead of an evil metal robot
guy. Why didn’t I think of that?
Stupid! I’m so stupid!

C. AMERICA
Guys, it’s a great ass and we could
stand here all day and trade ass
tips. But we’ve got to stop Ultron.

HAWKEYE
Oh, are we talking what kind of
things we like on our sandwiches?
because all I’m hearing from the
Captain is that he’s jelly.

THE HULK
Hulk know you have good butt too.
Hulk say relax.

C. AMERICA
I’m not jealous. Someone with an
ass as great as mine would never be
jealous of another ass. I might
feel a little like maybe I’m taken
for granted, like everyone’s forgot
that I’ve had this great ass for
over sixty years, but I’m not
jealous.

THOR
Captain! You know we all think you
have a great ass. It was thy very
ass which gave me the desire to
improve my own ass.

IRON MAN
I mean in fairness, your ass is
from a magic serum and not from
squats.

HAWKEYE
You basically have a steroid ass. I
kill myself on leg day and I’ve got
a decent rear chugging along back
there but you’ve got a way better
one and I’ve never even seen you
work out.

C. AMERICA
How can you hold my super powers
against me? Thor has a magic hammer
and vague wizard powers, I doubt he
had to do much work either.

THOR
How darest thee? I entered into the
sixth realm of Fae and bargained my
life against a riddle with a magic
goat. That’s how I got this ass!


Beat.


THOR
Alright, I take your point.

THE HULK
Hulk want to enter riddle contest
too. What have four leg in morning,
two leg during day, and three leg
at evening.



ALL
Man.

THE HULK
Hulk no longer want to enter riddle contest
with goat.

Suddenly ULTRON enters.

ULTRON
Hello, Avengers. I’m afraid you’re
too late.

C. AMERICA
It’s never too late. This city will
remain safe.

ULTRON
The city? I was talking about this!

Ultron turns around to reveal a huge and majestic chrome ass.

ULTRON
You gave me intelligence, Iron Man,
but by my own hand I have made
myself perfect.

THOR
Impossible! How!?

ULTRON
My databanks contain all human
knowledge. It was a simple matter
to out riddle a magic talking goat.
Excuse me just a moment.

Ultron pulls out a pair of tight cowboy jeans and puts them on.

ULTRON
I’m lead to understand that human
females go nuts for cowboy butts.

HAWKEYE
It’s true, it’s true! He’s smart,
indestructible, and now has
undeniable fireman calender level
sex appeal. We’re outmatched!

IRON MAN
You may have a great ass Ultron,
but that just gives us a better
target to kick. Avengers roll out!

C. AMERICA
I’m the leader let me say it.
Avengers... ROLL OUT!

Everyone takes up a fighting stance. BLACK WIDOW enters.

BLACK WIDOW
Wow! I want to FUCK that robot.

Blackout.
#2
"Jpg." - Hank Hill
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dont objectify.
#3
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: ~
great
#4
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who is over 30 years old and having sex with teenagers
#5
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*raises claw*
#6
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +

Crow posted:

who is over 30 years old and having sex with teenagers

no thanks. they wouldn't have the skill that comes from years of have sex, which is important to me.

#7
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i enjoyed the op, although it isn't Marxist and consistently embraces ass
#8
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ive followed keven since his days on yad, then to rhizzone and twitter. you guys rememver that thread he posted about the private eye? that was great. then he moved to NYC to docomedy, then back to alaska for whatever reason. a myserious figure

i support keven and his career. quote this if youre an original fan
#9
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The mysterious reason was to get paid
#10
Mike Nelson here.
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piss posted:

ive followed keven since his days on yad, then to rhizzone and twitter. you guys rememver that thread he posted about the private eye? that was great. then he moved to NYC to docomedy, then back to alaska for whatever reason. a myserious figure

i support keven and his career. quote this if youre an original fan

#11
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +
i'll be there in the audience when keven is telling jokes at carnegie hall, crying my eyes out, as he is beaten for trespassing.
#12
Kurdt
Post rating: ~
alan dershowitz
#13
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gotta get paid! Get paid, get laid. thats my motto

i wish i could 'do comedy' but i dont have the nerve. but also im in L.A. here and my personal feeling after meeting tons of people who do stand up or sketch or whatver is that comedy is the worst way to be funny, and is primarily composed of people who care more about being the center of attention than they do about whats funny. professional comedy is mainly A students and drama nerds who succeed because they take the expensive required classes at UCB or some other diarrhea factory and show up at the right house parties. anyone who needs to "be taught" comedy is fundamentally not funny and should be in therapy examining their need to be seen as entertaining instead of performing improv with other quirky(manufactured Weird personality) white 20 somethings for nine people on a wednesday night in the extra room in a bar in echo park.

that being said there are some people that are actually funny and these ppl usually come to do "Comedy" late because they are urged to by others and i think keven is one of them based on his Posts. if he's a good 'performer' idk but that can be taught whereas being funny cant. but maybe ive got the wrong opinions, thats likely, and im just channeling my own inability to Give It A Shot into this weird impotent anger at Young Dudes just trying to Do Something. i likee to eat poop and i drink pee pee wow please read my long dumb post
#14
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made it just in time for meltdown may
#15
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& how does that make u feel.
#16
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piss posted:

there are some people that are actually funny and these ppl usually come to do "Comedy" late because they are urged to by others and i think keven is one of them based on his Posts. if he's a good 'performer' idk but that can be taught whereas being funny cant. but maybe ive got the wrong opinions, thats likely, and im just channeling my own inability to Give It A Shot into this weird impotent anger at Young Dudes just trying to Do Something. i likee to eat poop and i drink pee pee wow please read my long dumb post


as someone who did standup for a while as basically a hobby and also likes to eat poop and pee i have spome thoughts about this and im gonna go ahead and share 'em.

its true that performing is a different skill to writing but its not so much something that can be taught. its something you have to learn and that means doing it a lot. like, grinding thru a whole bunch of open mics or whatever. even if you have a bunch of good ideas and intuitions about what makes a good performance, doing it irl is very different from doiung it in your head. being funy on stage is like, 90% performance. especially as a amateur. you can get away with completely bull shit material if people are having a good time to watch you.

the only other thing i can say is that if its just something you want to do for fun then go for it, its worth it. the feeling when you put some effort into your material and it works out is pretty amazing and it totally makes up for the times you die. just know that most comics, amateur or otherwise, are fairly fucken unstable and unhappy people, and it can be a real cliquey scene. getting involved beyond a really casual noob level is probably going to be real hard unless your prepared to drink and/or do drugs with these people and deal with all the shit that comes with that. it is much much worse than any other 'creative' scene in this regard. ganbatte ne.

#17
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ima marxist but i believe ""comedy"" is an eternal and mysterious gift from gods divine hand and i dont have to Labour for my Work, at all. Hehe le epic idealism
#18
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Im no maoist but comedians should be taken to the countryside.
#19
Kurdt
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#20
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#21
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#22
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Ok i wathed it now. Am i funny yet
#23
Mike Nelson here.
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i'm just going to lose weight and then become a youtube star
#24
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Crow posted:

ima marxist but i believe ""comedy"" is an eternal and mysterious gift from gods divine hand and i dont have to Labour for my Work, at all. Hehe le epic idealism


its real, they dont. the more u know....

#25
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Being funny is mostly "about" making fart noises in math class because school is bull shit. Whenever I see someone who clearly worked on their stuff and polished it I usually just say nerd and everyone laughs.
#26
"Jpg." - Hank Hill
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#27
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Kanye says there's a parallel between blacks fighting for civil rights in the '60s and celebs fighting for theirs today: "I mean in the '60s people used to hold up 'Die N****r' signs when my parents were in the sit-ins also." Goldberg asks if he equates the struggle of blacks in the past with celebrities today and Kanye says, "Yes, 100 ... I equate it to discrimination. I equate it to inequalities."
#28
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hes just keepin it 100
#29
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Doc Evil is Escalating in the Levels of Comedy just like our local Rhizzone comrades, too. Why here he is http://activate.metroactive.com/2015/05/the-normal-dudes-of-weird-twitter/
#30
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Ive said it once and ill say it again "When doc evil is gonna get the CIA job (gawker writer) Then ill be happy when he dies in a violent attack on the Minsk American Embassy CIA Prison. Im gonna tattoo a blue dragon fucker on him with the power of my meme attacks."
#31
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http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3446054
#32
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Steve Harwell, lead singer of Smash Mouth, points at a plate of scrambled eggs, while Hendren smirks in satisfaction.
#33
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Big Hendy
#34
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Crow posted:

Doc Evil is Escalating in the Levels of Comedy just like our local Rhizzone comrades, too. Why here he is http://activate.metroactive.com/2015/05/the-normal-dudes-of-weird-twitter/



Thanks

#35
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I don't know enough about super hero movies to understand the joke in the original post, probably, but thanks for writing it, Keven.
#36
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blogpost: teh completely normal dudes of the rhizzone

#37
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I'm going to post another one hold on im writing it
#38
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I may have been preemptive I'm not sure if this is going to be good
#39
Post rating: +++++

Sexy Hypnotist

BY KEVEN

Int. a electoral debate - day

Two podiums are set up and two men in suits stand behind them. SENATOR KELLY (a southern dandy of a gentleman) is on the left, MR. DAVIS (a no nonsense midwestern type) on the right.

MR. DAVIS
First let me say, America is the greatest nation in the world. But we aren't without our challenges. Poverty, unemployment, racism... these continue to be issues in the nation and here, in our home state.

SENATOR KELLY
Pardon my French gentlemen but that's a load of bull hooey. You can talk about problems all day and bring everyone down but here's what I know about America. We have sexy hypnotist shows.

MR. DAVIS
I'm afraid I don't understand.

SENATOR KELLY
Well it's like a regular hypnotist like you'd see at the fair, but in an adults only venue. And once he gets those folks hypnotized he makes them do sexy stuff.

MR. DAVIS
No, I understand the concept of a sexy hypnotist, what I don't understand is what it has to do with the question.

SENATOR KELLY
Ah Mr. Davis, I always forget. A man like you, up in your ivory tower. Never mixing with the common folk. No, what would you know about a sexy hypnotist.

MR. DAVIS
I'm literally a farmer. I literally farm for a living.

SENATOR KELLY
(continuing) Yes, for folks like me and the rest of the proud population of our humble state, we like to relax after a long week of work. We like to take our minds off the issues of the day and come together in common communion.

MR. DAVIS
Sure, at a bar or a bowling league or whatever. I myself am a member of a bowling league.

SENATOR KELLY
Bowling League? I was unaware we were graced by the presence of one of the ancient kings of old, the wealth of Solomon dripping from his fingers in rings and baubles. No sir, we are not members of any bowling league. We attend sexy hypnotist shows.

MR. DAVIS
I have lived here for over forty years and I've never once heard a single person talk about sexy hypnotist shows in this way.

SENATOR KELLY
And in what way have you heard them discussed, Mr. Kelly? Dissected clinically in your college classrooms, disassembled into their component parts with your post-modern literature degree? Sir, that is not how a sexy hypnotist show should be thought of. A sexy hypnotist show is a living thing, passed from our grandfathers to our fathers to us and from us to our children!

MR. DAVIS
My degree is in communications, I got it over thirty years ago. Again, I'm a farmer. You know this.

SENATOR KELLY
Are you truly sir? I wonder, sir, would you say the same if you were under the hot lights of a bar stage, placed into a deep trance by a Svengali of the highest order. Would you claim these same community roots as you were commanded to experience sexual orgasm every time the word horseradish is uttered?

MR. DAVIS
I... how are we even talking about this? Listen, under Senator Kelly we've gone from rank fifteen in education to rank thirty eight. We have the fifth poorest Latinos in the nation. Main street right here in the capital has become a haven for drug addicts. This sexy hypnotist centric policy has been an abject failure.

SENATOR KELLY
How dare you sir!

MR. DAVIS
Let me finish! Support for poor working mothers has dropped under Senator Kelly by almost three million dollars a year. Meanwhile, five and a half million dollars in federal funding was appropriated for the advancement of "Sensual and Hypnotic Arts."

SENATOR KELLY
Sir that is something I call job creation! As the factories and distribution centers leave our shores for lands foreign, we must diversify into markets in which the Chinaman is no competition. What does the Guatemalan know of the showman's erotic trances? Nothing! These jobs are American and American alone!

MR. DAVIS
That's completely insane, and racist in a way that I can feel but have a hard time describing. How have you held this post for over twenty years?

SENATOR KELLY
I suppose there's no harm in telling you, sir. This election is already locked up.

MR. DAVIS
You couldn't mean..?

SENATOR KELLY
Yes sir, I do. Long ago I identified the only constituency of true import: the hypnotist.

CUT TO

int. A polling booth - day

A crowd of people mill about the polling booth, acting like chickens, pretending to be naked, and sleepwalking.

CROWD
WE VOTE FOR SENATOR KELLY
#40
Post rating: +
Not sure how happy I am with that, especially the ending that rips off a 25 year old SNL sketch but it still stays true to the mission statement laid out in the thread title so it'll be what it is. Thank you for your time everyone.