#41
penitent
Post rating: ~

NoFreeWill posted:

you use too many adjectives and adverbs.. for example:


The Transporenian border was marked by a long barbed-wire fence running over the overgrown hills just before the Tsporeno, a broad muddy river as placid and still as a lurking crocodile. A pair of bored-looking Moldovan soldiers waved the bus towards a low steel structure that crouched over the half-paved road by the bridge like a latticed spider; rusting letters hanging from one face reading Транспорэниа.


sometimes its just overloaded (on a sentence basis) sometimes its actually repetitive. but otherwise its pretty well written and a good idea for a story. my suspension of disbelief broke a bit in places though so it could be more subtle.

He knew that something about the archaeological site didn’t make sense, but he couldn’t work out what; it frustrated him, like a word on the tip of his tongue.

Like maybe the fact that the guy just said 6th century bc and the place has tanks?!?!!?!!?!



yea i know i adjective too much... im hesitant to deliberately cut down on em though precisely because strunk & white types say its bad... also ur right about the tanks thing 2.... i wanted to show how bein in transporenia made the accepted categories of reality start to lose meaning but it does happen a bit abruptly yeah. iono. thanks 4 ur comments

#42
penitent
Post rating: ~

Stop_Raping_People posted:

deadken posted:

i wrote something that isnt bad or gay

actually,



i woulda thought youd like it, it features the Critique Of Sexuality p prominently

#43
Post rating: ~
dunno why you'd have read my post and assume I read your bad story.
#44
Post rating: +
also the part were he flies isnt realistik either cut that i m o
#45
Post rating: ~
also the whole thing about transporenia, just take it out, really quite incredulous here that a place that doesn't exist could be traveled to. such fail aids.
#46
hi
Post rating: ~
#47
[account deactivated]
#48
penitent
Post rating: +

aerdil posted:

also the whole thing about transporenia, just take it out, really quite incredulous here that a place that doesn't exist could be traveled to. such fail aids.



also the idea that someone could have a real life girlfriend made of warm soft girlflesh and not be completely happy with everything is rediculus. also turning down sex with an awesome depressed nerd girl who reads fantasy novels?? what kind of crazy world have you built ken

#49
penitent
Post rating: ~

Stop_Raping_People posted:

dunno why you'd have read my post and assume I read your bad story.



because youre an autistic shutin who has nothing better to do with his time

#50
[account deactivated]
#51
penitent
Post rating: ~
yeah i wouldnt call you a shutin tpaine its just that theres a special border unit tasked to prevent you from ever leaving the state of florida, saving the rest of the world from the Swamp Stink Disease
#52
[account deactivated]
#53
penitent
Post rating: ~
there is no genuine life but there are different ways of dying
#54
[account deactivated]
#55
penitent
Post rating: +
lol imagine living somewhere that isnt a major urban cenre lol thats gotta suck so bad... like what if you wanted to eat some thai food or see a play that isnt being put on by shoolchildren or dance to forward looking electronic music
#56
Post rating: +
all-you-can-eat chinese buffet, tv, and sports bar respectively
#57
penitent
Post rating: ~
tpaine what was that steve brule thing of tips for living alone again
#58
[account deactivated]
#59
[account deactivated]
#60
Post rating: ~

deadken posted:


i guess since its an ontology change it makes sense that the people affected by it don't see it as odd, but that part of the change could be made more explicit.

#61
[account deactivated]
#62
Post rating: ~
#63
Post rating: +
wow that post about living in the city is pathetic deadken
#64
Post rating: ~

deadken posted:

Stop_Raping_People posted:

dunno why you'd have read my post and assume I read your bad story.

because youre an autistic shutin who has nothing better to do with his time

what the fuck did i do to deserve this treatment? no wonder there are only like twelve posters on this forum, you're all a bunch of dicks. jesus.

#65
Post rating: ~
yeah! this is supposed to be a safe space!
#66
Post rating: ~
ive seen like 2 or 3 picture of my friends in toronto at irl places taht say like 'THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR HOMOSEXUALS AND TRANSPEOPLE' and some of them did mention race but some of them didnt even say it lol. like, this is the 21st century in canda and we have moved beyond all racism and only homobphobia and transphobia remain as problems
#67
Post rating: ~
#68
[account deactivated]
#69
Post rating: +

deadken posted:

lol imagine living somewhere that isnt a major urban cenre lol thats gotta suck so bad... like what if you wanted to eat some thai food or see a play that isnt being put on by shoolchildren or dance to forward looking electronic music



SO fucking sick of the backwards, regressive excuse for electronic music we get out here...

#70
Post rating: ~

EmanuelaOrlandi posted:



I think one of the simultaneously funny and/or disturbing aspects of living in toronto is how viruently and openly racist many people in the gay community are. They will always justify this by playing claiming that they (blacks, natives, asians, whatever) are more homophobic than they are racist anyways before the falling back sort of biotruth or whatever. That being said lots of straight gay men hate trans people with just as much if not more vitrol.

Ugh

#71
[account deactivated]
#72
Post rating: ~
#73
Poronto
Post rating: ~
hi ken that was a good story thanks for writing it
#74
Post rating: ~

gaytheist posted:

EmanuelaOrlandi posted:

I think one of the simultaneously funny and/or disturbing aspects of living in toronto is how viruently and openly racist many people in the gay community are. They will always justify this by playing claiming that they (blacks, natives, asians, whatever) are more homophobic than they are racist anyways before the falling back sort of biotruth or whatever. That being said lots of straight gay men hate trans people with just as much if not more vitrol.

Ugh


wut is a gay straight man?

#75
Post rating: ~
i suppose cisgay is the more Politically Correct term
#76
Post rating: ~
#77
Post rating: ~

ilmdge posted:

vonnegut writes cool stories though.



Yeah. I don't rate american literature very highly but i read Slaughterhouse 5 recently and it was cool and well-contructed

#78
Post rating: ~

deadken posted:

lol imagine living somewhere that isnt a major urban cenre lol thats gotta suck so bad... like what if you wanted to eat some thai food or see a play that isnt being put on by shoolchildren or dance to forward looking electronic music



Every liberal cosmopolitan city is alike, but each shitty provincial town is gaey and bad in it’s own way.

#79
Poronto
Post rating: ~
i assumed we all hated vonnegut for being liberal and popular among boring people
#80
Online
Post rating: ~

NoFreeWill posted:

He knew that something about the archaeological site didn’t make sense, but he couldn’t work out what; it frustrated him, like a word on the tip of his tongue.

Like maybe the fact that the guy just said 6th century bc and the place has tanks?!?!!?!!?!

hm, i read it and just assumed the 6th century bc greek founding was far removed in time from the tanks and war of transporenia and the tank ruins

anyway it was a good story. really good job establishing the mood and weirdness of transporenia. maybe not as complete as the mirrors story but just as good. the flying hit me as being kind of sudden but i guess anytime someone i na story can fly it;ll always seem sudden.

best part was when he realized it was the president who was watching tyhe pathetic striptease lol