#1
Post rating: +
i've had some twenty to thirty servings of alcohol tonight with no other drugs in the mix that might alter my mood for the better, amphetamines for instance. i have a bad headache; i was nodding off on the bus ride back home: this risks incoherency. the somewhat anonymous nature of rhizzone, however, makes this an advantageous forum for the nonsense i am about to write.

there have been a lot of things bothering me lately. these are the sort of things that live just below the surface - the suspicions that i constantly harbor which have suddenly come rushing to the center of my consciousness as devastating, demanding truths. i haven't had a good night, i'll admit it, but i haven't had a crushingly bad night either - it's the very below-average mediocrity of the last ten hours that have made me realize that my suspicions are the truth.

my friends constantly undermine me, as if there's some form of competition going on. i'm sick of it, i've been sick of it for a while; i support them as much as i'm able and there is no reciprocity. part of it is that, in many respects, i don't share the same weaknesses and emotional disorders that they do, and therefore they feel i'm "okay" with taking abuse. but i'm not.

i cannot stand the girl i have been seeing. her personality is repugnant, she is embarrassing, stupid, and does not "get" me at all; i have never once had a genuine conversation with her, or ever told her anything resembling the truth. just about every communication we've had has been ironic posturing on my part, and it is fucking disgusting. i broke up with her through a text earlier tonight; it is guaranteed that she will think i am joking.

i have been spending time with a girl that i genuinely like, somebody who i could see myself loving given the right frame of mind, or given a little more time. however, her behavior disgusts me; she is the most self-serving, self-centered person i've met in my life; her use for me extends as far as i'm entertaining or as far as i can provide certain things for her. this situation is absolutely untenable - i was actually legitimately angry about this for a while, but realized the foolishness of this anger when it struck me that the slightest whim on her part would cause me to jump like a trained dog.

i met a lot of women tonight. there were some opportunities. this filled me with dread: i'm fast running out of the energy requisite to foster positive relationships. i desperately need to retrain myself, to learn to stop putting on acts, stop giving any effort to be funny or charismatic; i'd prefer to sit back and die. people are not drawn to this attitude.

for a small period of time i was filled with a very ugly despair. i realized that i preferred to kill myself, but that i would go to sleep instead and shamble through another day. obviously, these are not quite the serious problems that most people in the world face; but i'm living a life in which my relationships are phantasmal and illusory. i'm being used at every impasse, abandoned at every point; i have no love in my life. i need a change, fast, and i don't know how to enact it. i will go on tomorrow, the same as always; i will appear to be happy and funny, i will continue to care for people, i will continue to pass as a somewhat normal guy, if not something of a character. but the truths of this existence will not pass - "they're all phonies," as caulfield said. people are selfish, and i don't feel like getting over it right now
#2
Post rating: ~
there was a lot more whines, of course, but i forgot most of them while writing the present list of whines
#3
[account deactivated]
#4
Post rating: ~
yea. a little ironic reference for ya there
#5
Kurdt
Post rating: ~

tpaine posted:
"they're all phonies," as caulfield said.

nice undermining. mods??

#6
Post rating: ~
kick all those people out of your life and find new ppl. worked for me
#7
Post rating: +
You shouldnt get over it, you should withdraw. Maybe this isn't the right way to put it, you should 'withdraw to new terrain.' I'm not talking running away, but changing to a new tac. 'An army in retreat' must reform at the center and sweep back at a different point. If your friends are devastated, then it's right. War is right, as many people have unjustly learned.

Okay, I see the same thing in my life, but I realized that it is (at least here) my fault. I do not fault others for being weak or stupid or parasitic. If they are sucking life out of me, then the fault is only mine for not tearing them off. I always remembered Nietzsche, what are my parasites to me! May they live and prosper: i am strong enough for them! But okay, this isn't a legitimate tac; tic s aren't the support one needs, especially when one is weak. Its a tragic method of the old doctor: leeches dont heal the sick. So dont mimic the leeches, and dont crave Love that hasnt happened.

It seems to me that this feinting on your part was organized retreat, but now you come back around and show honestly the advance, no? How does one ultimately feint a real, crushing advance? Whirlybirds deploying missiles isnt a feint, its the one Real action in desert warfare. Deploy your missiles, devastate your enemy, weakness, and advance honestly. PAyce
#8
Post rating: ~
also wicker park sux, move to an irrelevant neighborhood
#9
Post rating: ~

animedad posted:
kick all those people out of your life and find new ppl. worked for me

Yea. You dont even need to kick them out, you can shut them out with honesty. If they're strong enough, if they're good enough, they'll remain despite the onslaught

#10
Post rating: ~

Crow posted:
You shouldnt get over it, you should withdraw. Maybe this isn't the right way to put it, you should 'withdraw to new terrain.' I'm not talking running away, but changing to a new tac. 'An army in retreat' must reform at the center and sweep back at a different point. If your friends are devastated, then it's right. War is right, as many people have unjustly learned.

Okay, I see the same thing in my life, but I realized that it is (at least here) my fault. I do not fault others for being weak or stupid or parasitic. If they are sucking life out of me, then the fault is only mine for not tearing them off. I always remembered Nietzsche, what are my parasites to me! May they live and prosper: i am strong enough for them! But okay, this isn't a legitimate tac; tic s aren't the support one needs, especially when one is weak. Its a tragic method of the old doctor: leeches dont heal the sick. So dont mimic the leeches, and dont crave Love that hasnt happened.

It seems to me that this feinting on your part was organized retreat, but now you come back around and show honestly the advance, no? How does one ultimately feint a real, crushing advance? Whirlybirds deploying missiles isnt a feint, its the one Real action in desert warfare. Deploy your missiles, devastate your enemy, weakness, and advance honestly. PAyce

thanks, yes, and thanks animedad, in some level i realize that this is the right actions. i am pitted in weakness at the moment, and find it exceedingly difficult to "withdraw," to get away from the bad person i might love, for instance, perhaps that above everything else, which, really, of course, is the desire to withdraw from my desires, isn't it? the real "crushing defeat" here is that, yes, i could shut them out with honesty, tell them "yes, indeed, i am a person too, and you cannot abuse me, even if you think i will handle it with grace;" but just as easily i could wake up tomorrow and go on just as i have been for a long time now, too weak and stupid to stop this stupidity, too mired in the small pleasures and happinesses i get out of my current situation

#11
[account deactivated]
#12
[account deactivated]
#13
Post rating: ~
also, perhaps all of this despair simply arises from that in my cynical heart i realized i may love somebody who probably will not ever love me (or who might be so damaged that she will never be able to show it), and everything else is blown out of proportion as a result of that disgusting revelation
#14
[account deactivated]
#15
Post rating: ~
Haha but guess whos coming to town next week to make it all better? Its Me, Baby!
#16
Post rating: ~

Impper posted:

also, perhaps all of this despair simply arises from that in my cynical heart i realized i may love somebody who probably will not ever love me (or who might be so damaged that she will never be able to show it), and everything else is blown out of proportion as a result of that disgusting revelation

I doubt thats Love. love is extremely traumatic, it'll definitely identify itself to you, you'll know it for sure, you'll announce it with a cartoon Yelp! Yowcha! yAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhh!!!

It'll hurt, you'll feel it; ask the failtards that are in love: you'll see cartoon animals getting hurt in a projector at the rear of their mouth (where Love resides):

#17
Post rating: ~
falling in love is an encounter with the real or some shit i aint never read lacan
#18
Post rating: ~
Cause when you fall in love... Youre glancing over that precipice, and youre seeing the bottomless pit & hearing it sucking in your ear brains
#19
Post rating: ~
One time i thought i was in 'love', it was ambiguous, the girl didnt return it, she acted better than me and beyond it, undoubtedly the correct position towards me to take. But then i learned a particular detail (she was libertarian, not that this is relevant) that made the whole rusted shack collapse in one tug. No cartoon animals ran out
#20
Post rating: ~

Edited by Crow ()

#21
[account deactivated]
#22
[account deactivated]
#23
[account deactivated]
#24
[account deactivated]
#25
Post rating: ~
Abolish all relationships. Return to the wilderness. Have no friends. Hermitize yourself. Engage in hoboing when the need arises.These are the burdens of the chosen ones.
#26
Post rating: ~

aerdil posted:
Abolish all relationships. Return to the wilderness. Have no friends. Hermitize yourself. Engage in hoboing when the need arises.These are the burdens of the chosen ones.


#27
Post rating: ~

Impper posted:

Crow posted:
You shouldnt get over it, you should withdraw. Maybe this isn't the right way to put it, you should 'withdraw to new terrain.' I'm not talking running away, but changing to a new tac. 'An army in retreat' must reform at the center and sweep back at a different point. If your friends are devastated, then it's right. War is right, as many people have unjustly learned.

Okay, I see the same thing in my life, but I realized that it is (at least here) my fault. I do not fault others for being weak or stupid or parasitic. If they are sucking life out of me, then the fault is only mine for not tearing them off. I always remembered Nietzsche, what are my parasites to me! May they live and prosper: i am strong enough for them! But okay, this isn't a legitimate tac; tic s aren't the support one needs, especially when one is weak. Its a tragic method of the old doctor: leeches dont heal the sick. So dont mimic the leeches, and dont crave Love that hasnt happened.

It seems to me that this feinting on your part was organized retreat, but now you come back around and show honestly the advance, no? How does one ultimately feint a real, crushing advance? Whirlybirds deploying missiles isnt a feint, its the one Real action in desert warfare. Deploy your missiles, devastate your enemy, weakness, and advance honestly. PAyce

thanks, yes, and thanks animedad, in some level i realize that this is the right actions. i am pitted in weakness at the moment, and find it exceedingly difficult to "withdraw," to get away from the bad person i might love, for instance, perhaps that above everything else, which, really, of course, is the desire to withdraw from my desires, isn't it? the real "crushing defeat" here is that, yes, i could shut them out with honesty, tell them "yes, indeed, i am a person too, and you cannot abuse me, even if you think i will handle it with grace;" but just as easily i could wake up tomorrow and go on just as i have been for a long time now, too weak and stupid to stop this stupidity, too mired in the small pleasures and happinesses i get out of my current situation



No-- No! Advance! No retreat, forward! For Ward!

If you want respect treat yourself with respect! Fear is respect! Advance

#28
Post rating: +
fb is an acronym best tailgated with either FOOTBALL!!, or at least a happy intent to engage in future FOOTBALL!!.

(no, lets not discuss the effects of xanax on bad trips)
#29
tardy on these heaters
Post rating: ~
goldmine

Edited by babyfinland ()

#30
[account deactivated]
#31
Post rating: ~
pacos goin home
#32
el area metro
Post rating: +
i was gonna do a burn on bf 4 being ugly because of your post khamsek but i decided not to bc i luv u guyz
#33
Post rating: ~
to hide is to skin, and to plumb is to square a flush. when one sees one needs not eyes to something something; to shit a brick and to flush a brick of druxx...

#34
el area metro
Post rating: ~
oh man another nonsense post with a reference to video games / drugs. genius! busting out tha upvotes on this one
#35
Post rating: ~
dude, its a tanuki, not a tanzanian devil. i must fight disinformation wherever it might deinform.
#36
Poronto
Post rating: +
I actually have a serious suggestion, which may or may not be worthwhile depending on your metabolism etc. Get fat. Aim to put on fifty to seventy pounds in the next year. You could turn it into a cerebral project, picking up a few julia child books and six hundred dollars' worth of cookware; you could have buttered Oreos for every meal. I suspect the middle ground may be easiest and most rewarding; everyone knows how seductive a hobby cooking is. Experience the moment when you realize the commonalities, the Protean terror of learning that astonishing amounts of butter and cream seem make almost anything unaccountably delicious. There are other ways to make yourself physically repulsive, to cultivate self-loathing as a study and manipulate your fellow beings into visceral disgust; but none so easily reversible and none, I am sure, that can make you a petty, personal Oppenheimer in the comfort of your own home.
#37
el area metro
Post rating: ~

anistorian posted:
dude, its a tanuki, not a tanzanian devil. i must fight disinformation wherever it might deinform.



ya its called a JOKE. jeez!

#38
Post rating: ~

littlegreenpills posted:
Experience the moment when you realize the commonalities, the Protean terror of learning that astonishing amounts of butter and cream seem make almost anything unaccountably delicious.


#39
[account deactivated]
#40
Post rating: ~
Fucking christ. Scarier than Clock Spider