This is a compilation of everything from alt.tasteless.jokes and

rec.humor which passed my (low) subjective standards... plus a few

bonus attempts of my own at the end :).  As for attributions, just

use www.dejanews.com to track them down if you want (just search

"a few words in quotes" from it as a keyword); it's not worth the

aggravation to put them here.



Further submissions would be most welcome :)



Tommy the Terrorist, thy humble Editor.



=====



Two Columbine students were walking by the makeshift memorial for

the victims when the first asked: "Why are there three black crosses

and only two gunmen?"  to which the second responded:  "The third

cross is for Adolf Hitler--in his day, he was a victim too."



=====



"My kid went to Columbine High and all I got was the bloody t-shirt"



=====



"My kid is on the survivor's roll at Columbine High"



=====



How can you tell that Columbine High isn't in the Denver Public School

system?



None of the students shot back.



=====



News Item, 20 May 1999



Bill Clinton is scheduled today to meet with the families of the

Columbine High School shooting victims.



Haven't those folks suffered enough already?



=====



What was going through those kids' heads! 

You know.....  a bullet.



=====



Q:  What sits in the Columbine High School Library and goes

"Shhhhhhh"? .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A:  a fuse



=====



H. Schmidt <hschm...@hootmail.com>



The summertime Carnage Playoffs tightened today when Atlanta,

Georgia, scored 13 confirmed deaths against Columbine High School¹s

still unbeaten record of 15.



Scoring today¹s goals for Atlanta was Mark O. Barton, a 44-year-old day

trader. Looking at the Dow Jones scoreboard, he spotted a drop of 180

points, and proceeded to conduct his own sell-off by dropping 12 of his

fellow Georgians.



In the true spirit of teamwork, he then sacrificed himself to up the score

by one point.



Rumors were rampant on Wall Street that Mr. Barton was upset at the

lackluster performance of a recent Internet IPO play: e-slay.



We sincerely hope that this investor's murder spree will not reflect at

all negatively upon the reputations of the heartless, amoral, gutless

slugs who inhabit Wall Street and fly-by-night day trading offices in

strip malls across the U.S. of A.



The Carnage Playoffs have always featured a "sudden death" component.

This week, that round pitted Atlanta's star player against the Columbine

High School varsity. Yosemite's lone entrant was knocked out of the

playoffs earlier this week when 37-year-old Cary Stayner was eliminated

in the preliminaries with a paltry score of only four dead bodies.



John F. Kennedy, Jr., was also narrowly edged out of the Carnage

Playoffs in the earlier rounds with a disappointing score of three

corpses.  He also suffered a water hazard penalty in his final round of

play.

                           

(Kennedy, it should be noted, was participating in the Pro-Am portion of

the event, given his celebrity/show-biz status.)



Quick to complement the marksmanship of Mr. Barton was National Rifle

Association spokes-celebrity Charlton Heston.  Said the former ape movie

star, "This just proves that guns don¹t kill people; stupid

prognostications about the NASDAQ by Alan Greenspan are what

*really* kills people." .... [remainder omitted]



=====



Columbine High School is in immediate need for another black person to

attend our school.  Due to a recent unfortunate incident, our student of

color is no longer with us.  If you have a black teenager that would like

to attend Columbine High School, please mail resume' to:

                           

CHS Human Resources

Columbine High School

Littleton, CO  21487

                           

****** TRANSLATION ******

YO YO YO, Columbine High School be needin a brother to chill in our

crib.  Da last homey got wacked.  If you know some fly sister that be

hip to white boy talk, contact the man at:



CHS Human Resources

Columbine High School

Littleton, CO  21487



=====



the almost obligatory bumper sticker;



"my kid shot your honour student"



=====



Safety record shows "9" days without a shooting.



=====



"Columbine High..........our shooters make the difference."



=====



Saw for sale a Columbine High School T-shirt with fake burnt

bulletholes... 15 to be exact.....



=====



The Trenchcoat Mafia aren't Dropouts  ...... they got an A+ in

marksmanship.....



[ed note:  I don't think so....]



=====



Q.  Why do the pupils of Columbine High School prefer to study in the

morning?



A.  Because it's murder in the afternoon.



=====



Columbine - "Trenchcoat Guys Brought Their Guns"

Date: 1999/04/23

Author: rombouts <rombo...@compuserve.com>



Warning - the following song parody is pretty offensive and tasteless,

even by Internet standards, but once it was started I just had to finish

it.  My apologies to Julie Brown.  I have her "Earth Girls are Easy" on

cassette, and this song was really a brillant concept to begin with. 

Sadly, to many people, it will never be quite so funny ever again...



This is not quite the level of humor I normally deal with, but since this

has little if any commercial value it may as well be out there.

                           

TWR

                           

"The Trenchcoat Guys Brought Their Guns"

(to the tune of "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun" by Julie Brown)



(hoooooo) It was April twenty at Columbine

(hoooooo) The skies were fair, it was totally fine

(hoooooo) I was real excited, I felt it in my guts

(hoooooo) Cause my two best friends had gone totally nuts



(hoo, wah, hoo, wah) They looked so gritty wearing black cloth (black

cloth)

Sighting the scope with the safety off (safety off)

Loading this humongous rifle in their hands (rifle)

They looked straight out of Vietnam

You know the Dracula story, I mean definitely a grim book (grim book)



Pipe bombs were ready, everyone was stalked (was stalked)

It was like every exit was totally blocked or something

Radio playing Everclear

And all of a sudden, what do I hear?

"Far out!  The trenchcoat guys are on CNN!"



Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys brought their guns

Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys are acting like the huns



Dylan - he bold and waving his gun

Picking off athletes one by one

Eric here is one that he missed

And now Rachel's head just did the splits

God, rebdomine's on a shooting spree

Stop it, Eric, you're embarrassing me

How could you do this act of hell?

Are you using that really bad AOL?



Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys are insane

Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys are acting like Hussein

Dylan's killing fine on his own

He's like a rolling stone



An hour later the SWAT teams showed

The networks pre-empted their soaps, no big loss

You wouldn't believe what they brought to film them

Reporters, anchors, even a sky cam

"Throw down your gun and trenchcoat and come out of the library" Dylan

didn't listen to what the cops said

He aimed and fired and now Dave the teacher's dead

Oh it's really sad but kind of a relief

I mean, we had this big game coming up next week



Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys lost it all

Everybody run, the trenchcoat guys have topped the mall

Stop Eric, you don't have to gloat

Powder burns all over your coat



The cops rushed forward and they entered the school

I yelled "April Fool!" but it didn't seem cool

They hit the ground when they were given their orders

So I could sell my story, I couldn't talk to the reporters

I ran cross the park, I had to find out

What made them do it, why'd they freak out?

I saw that attorneys were coming here

I knew then the end was near



So I ran over and I yelled, near the Beemer, "Eric, why'd you do it?" He

raised his head, smiled, and said "aaaggghhhh I did it for Adolph"

Adolph?  Well like who's Adolph?  Eric, Dylan, who's Adolph?

Does your web site link to Adolph?  Is he online?

There was one Adolph kook but he was a totalitarian

He always had Jews in his camps.

Answer me, guys, who's Adolph?

Oh God this is like that movie Pulp Fiction

You know where people get shot and you cheer anyway

And we'll see this kind of thing again because, like, the NRA



Everybody talk, the trenchcoat guys are now dead

Everybody talk, the trenchcoat guys shot both their heads



[ end ]



===== [BONUS SECTION!] =====



On April 17th, 1999, gunshots were reported fired in an

alley in downtown Littleton.  Officers were dispatched

to investigate, and found spent 9 mm cartridges and human

blood.  No eyewitnesses could be located in the incident.



On April 18th, 1999, an informant reports that eight

members of the Trench Coat Mafia organization were

meeting in the Columbine High School cafeteria during a

routine school lunch.  Approximately ten minutes after

the members had received their trays and begun eating,

Eric Harris joined them and began to describe the murder

of an African-American man, presumably homeless, in an

alley downtown.  His description of the murder of the man

specifically referenced Dylan Klebold as an accomplice,

the use of a Tec-9 semiautomatic weapon, and the manner

of transportation and disposal of the body.  To which one

of the members reportedly replied,

.

.

.

"Gosh, this sure tastes a lot better than jew..."



=====



When a student leaped from the second floor window of

the Columbine High School library, Eric Harris was

in the parking lot outside the building in a position to

have a clear shot at him.  So why didn't he fire?



Dylan forgot to yell Pull!



=====



Moments after Eric Harris pulled the trigger for the last

time, he found himself in a black sandstorm, parched dunes

melding with a sky dark save for bursts of stinging fire.  

Before him stood a Fallen Angel, who laughed at him and

told him that in this waterless place he must stagger,

forever, exhausted amid the darkness and the burning sands

and the flame.  A look of incomprehension on his face, Eric

looked at the Black Angel, and asked him, "But why???  

Why this???"



To which the grim Angel replied, "You slept with Dylan..."



=====



It has been widely suggested among the usual tasteless

outlets that a Columbine High School DOOM .wad file be

created, to simulate the terrain and the famous faces

of the massacre.  However, the effort ultimately had

to be abandoned, because DOOM can't be customized to

produce the right effects.



There's no way to program the mobiles to lie on the floor

and wait to get shot.



=====



In September 1999, Columbine High School reopened for the

new year, with new security measures.  The first day of his

senior year, a student was caught carrying a gun through

the metal detector.  He claimed that it was a properly

registered weapon, properly packed in a locked case, and

was only for self defense, but he was promptly expelled

anyway.



The fourth day of the senior year, the vice principal spotted

the same student standing by the metal detector with a gun

in a holster at his waist.  White with fear, livid with rage,

the vice principal demanded to know what the student

was doing back at school, and with a firearm!



"I got a job as a security guard", the ex-student explained.



===== [Best Epilogue] =====



Re: Lets Kick Those"Trenchcoat Mafia" Jokers Asses!

Date: 1999/04/24

Author:Clayton <bchicl...@yoyodyne.net>



For the record, I was joking with co-workers about the Columbine

shooting on Wednesday. That evening, one of those co-workers

discovered a relative among the wounded.



The next day, the rest of us knew enough not to mention the shooting

again, but that individual did not feel guilty about having joked about

it.

The only thing on that person's mind was how to console the victim and

the victim's parents.



At the moment my only complaint is the extra work I have to do while

my colleague is in Colorado. Now the only joke I can make regards suing

the Harris and Klebold families for my inconvenience. (No, I would not

really do that!)



It's natural to joke about tragedies that happen to "someone else." It's a

way of expressing relief. When confronted with people who suffered

directly or indirectly from those events, most of us know how to

behave. This newsgroup is no place for those who have suffered

recently, nor is it a place who do not understand human nature.