#1
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +
i was reading this wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papal_conclave,_2013 and what seemed funny to me was that it was put in such mundane terms. like it looks like it could be a page for a poughkeepsie dogcatcher election or something.

anyway the vatican is flipping out because italian newspapers are printing lurid stuff that implies that benoit xvi was basically told by special investigators that the church is fucked up with petty plots and shit. like the implication is that he might have resigned because he was taken aback by how corrupt and broken the inner church is and that he doesn't have the capacity to fix it. as a catholic, this troubles me....

the other thing the vatican is mad about is that everyone is trying to guess who the new pope will be and religious servitude is like not tops on most people's lists. like everyone is saying oh maybe it'll be an african pope because that market is a growth one, turning it into a crass popularity contest for the church rather than a meditation on who best to act as a spiritual guide.

one of the pope contenders is a quebecois dude. every time i ever heard him in the media here he was just being a turd about abortion and gay rights and shit, and in a really annoying way. so i don't want him to get it. i doubt he will though because i've seen people straight up call him a lightweight punk.

i don't really want the filipino dude to get it because he presents on his own television show and that seems cheap and provincial. i don't want my pope winning an emmy. i want to imagine he fell through a dimensional portal from the 14th century or something (read: white).

someone on my facebook profile linked to an article by a hysterical jewish queer that was like "oh my god this black african dude hates gay people and defended the ugandan homocide bill". of course when you actually read what he says he specifically said the bill went too far. he just said that the reaction to it has been sort of weird because he doesn't understand why moral crimes can't be punished somehow. so i fear that guy would get a lot of angry squints from the gay lobby.
#2
sing hallelujah
Post rating: ~
my mom shouldnt have let me watch star trek because when we were in church everybody reciting the same crap sounded exactly like the borg and weirded me out bigtime
#3
[account deactivated]
#4
[account deactivated]
#5
Post rating: +

discipline posted:

the pope is not an elected official reflecting the will of the people he leads. his job is to guide his flock towards accepting and submitting to the will of god



but my God, is that not the role of every politician??

#6
Kurdt
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there will never be a black pope
#7
sing hallelujah
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The 52 Funniest Things About The Upcoming Death of The Pope

22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually
morbid institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly be celebrated as world’s holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.
#8
sing hallelujah
Post rating: -
13.Just before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts
into flames; everyone runs from the room.
#9
sing hallelujah
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one thing i don't get about the whole jesus deal is why we're supposed to respect him. what was the point of his story, what was he supposed to save us from? everybody going to hell. why were we going to hell? because god was so pissed off that two basically retarded people defied him after being tricked by the greatest liar in the universe that he cursed all life with death and pain forever and then sent all the humans to hell to be tortured. jesus was, at best, a partial reprieve from this situation. god's like a kidnapper who ties you to a chair for three days and then expects you to tearfully thank him for his mercy when he gives you a bottle of water.
#10
sing hallelujah
Post rating: ~

discipline posted:

the pope is not an elected official reflecting the will of the people he leads. his job is to guide his flock towards accepting and submitting to the will of god



i like that democracy and anti-hierarchy cease to be important when we're talking about some feudalist charlatan who, even if there is a god, cannot be demonstrated to have any objectively greater knowledge of him

#11
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get an african pope in office. im tired of all these polish and german nigger popes
#12
Dont Mess With Sucess
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getfiscal posted:

as a catholic, this troubles me....

catholic motto right here

#13
Post rating: +

mongosteen posted:

The 52 Funniest Things About The Upcoming Death of The Pope

22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually
morbid institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly be celebrated as world’s holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.



>>make it platinum<<

#14
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: ~
first thing, goat, if you're going with the mongosteen look, get an avatar. and not an annoying one, just use your jewgoat one.
#15
sing hallelujah
Post rating: ~
eat my fuk
#16
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +

mongosteen posted:

one thing i don't get about the whole jesus deal is why we're supposed to respect him. what was the point of his story, what was he supposed to save us from? everybody going to hell. why were we going to hell? because god was so pissed off that two basically retarded people defied him after being tricked by the greatest liar in the universe that he cursed all life with death and pain forever and then sent all the humans to hell to be tortured. jesus was, at best, a partial reprieve from this situation. god's like a kidnapper who ties you to a chair for three days and then expects you to tearfully thank him for his mercy when he gives you a bottle of water.

god gave humanity an incredible gift, which is freedom, but moreover existence itself. he gave us a world to experience and enjoy. and if we followed god then we'd be happy as clams. but we chose to go beyond this path and learn more about the world and ourselves. and god was like well that's sort of arrogant because it presumes your autonomy should be used for your own ends instead of mine, but that's fine, you've just got to live with your decisions. so he gave us true freedom, which is also the source of our pain.

because we freely choose to commit sins, almost constantly, thinking bad thoughts about people and being less than we could be, there's no real reason god should let us live beyond our years. we should just die, like a flower dies, and turn into soil. but god decided to experience our autonomy in the greatest act possible in sympathy and was born as a son to mary. and jesus was willing to die to sacrifice himself in our place. jesus died and the father resurrected him, as he will resurrect each of us. all that he asks is that we respect the fact that jesus died in our place, so that we never know true death.

were god indifferent to us then we would just be sacks of meat that would worm up and rot. there's no intrinsic reason why he shouldn't just let us die. jesus convinced the father that we were worthy of redemption by living a perfect life of sacrifice for us.

#17
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +
finally, i found my posts from last year, which you may not find funny, but i find hilarious:

Stunned by the death of an unpopular pope in the midst of a scandal, the college of cardinals convenes and decides nothing less than a radical populist choice will be able to save the ancient institution. But is the world ready for Marvin Brown (Chris Rock), the street-wise priest from Brooklyn? "Pope Marvin" comes to theatres Summer 2012.

---

Marvin wakes up for the first time in his big papal bed. Surrounding him are dozens of cardinals.

*rubs eyes*
*sees cardinals*

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?"
"Your holiness, you have to select a papal name."
"Marvin."
"No, that's your current name. You need a papal name."
"Marvin."
"I don't think you understand. Let me explain. Traditionally, popes select a name, usually now that of a previous pope, as a new name for the term of their office. This helps show that you've entered a new phase in your life, and separates the office from the man somewhat. At a minimum, the name must be in Latin, and preferably easily translatable into other languages. So, again, your holiness, what name do you want?"
"Marvin."
"Now I'm the one that doesn't understand."
"You're telling me. Look, folks, I'm going to be doing things a little differently around here. Call me Marvin."
#18
sing hallelujah
Post rating: ~
that isn't actually true, that's just centuries of religious apologism through a game of telephone. read genesis, he punished us out of rage
#19
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +

mongosteen posted:

that isn't actually true, that's just centuries of religious apologism through a game of telephone. read genesis, he punished us out of rage

maybe shoot off an email to rome to get this all sorted. just be like hey i know you have centuries of scholarship and faith behind your beautiful religion that has brought hope to billions, but i was tooling through genesis on the shitter and i reckon that this jehovah character was just aggro for no good reason.

#20
sing hallelujah
Post rating: ~
according to pomo theory, my interpretation of fiction is just as valid as anyone elses. check and mate, mate.
#21
sing hallelujah
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meta speaking, yahweh's buttmad in genesis can be explained because he was the jewish war god crudely mashed by bronze age fanfic writers into the creation myth of a cruel pantheon that predated him by centuries
#22
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discipline posted:

the pope is not an elected official reflecting the will of the people he leads. his job is to guide his flock towards accepting and submitting to the will of god


*makes pact with fascists*

#23
Post rating: ~
ancient christian/jewish texts, the worst ancient texts
#24
Poronto
Post rating: ~
an openly gay pope could have done a lot to promote the Church shame
#25
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getfiscal posted:

a hysterical jewish queer




requesting namechange plz

#26
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#27
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i like the part when the cardinal hides his phone when all the other cardinal's devices are taken up and then is texting during the prayers
#28
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +
i like the part where an unbroken succession from peter to the present day has brought a sliver of light to our often dark and confusing world. to each their own.....
#29
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i dont like that part.
#30
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update: i loaded another bowl in my new bong and im fukkin high as hell at got work at 8
#31
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EmanuelaOrlandi posted:

update: i loaded another bowl in my new bong and im fukkin high as hell at got work at 8


#32
[account deactivated]
#33
[account deactivated]
#34
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"While it isn't an official requirement, it's an unofficial official requirement." - The Catholic Church
#35
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#36
[account deactivated]
#37
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that was covered in the excised galgamex portion of the council
#38
Post rating: +

EmanuelaBrolandi posted:

update: i loaded another bowl in my new bong and im fukkin high as hell at got work at 8



#39
Post rating: +
i read that as "uploaded another bong today" and then went off on a wild imaginary ride in a lawnmower-man / johnny mnemonic 420swag universe. dyslexia is cool 'cuz it makes bad posts really good and interesting and vice versa
#40
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: ~
Pope Marvin (Chris Rock) puts on his papal garments for the first time, twirls around a bit with a sceptre, looks bright-eyed and excitedly says "I could get used to this!"