#121
[account deactivated]
#122

tpaine posted:

everbody listen to this and just calm down



i'm doing this but the vangelis vibe combined w/the posts just makes me feel like i am living inside a dystopian cyberfuture in which trained murderers trade hilarious stories of their kills on a global communication network

#123

drwhat posted:

i'm doing this but the vangelis vibe combined w/the posts just makes me feel like i am living inside a dystopian cyberfuture in which trained murderers trade hilarious stories of their kills on a global communication network



#124
[account deactivated]
#125
e: oh this stuff already got posted, multiple times
#126
I overheard some guy in the subway today saying, "And then there was that guy Tpaine, he always used to own me so hard. I always felt like such a noob because of how much ownage he used to dump on me." So I approached the guy to find out more. I said, "What are some of the things he used to do to own you?" and the guy said, "He would post videos at me, videos about parrots swearing, about blink 182, and about sad cooking. Like, until I was owned beyond recognition." "Sounds about right" I quipped.
#127
[account deactivated]
#128
[account deactivated]
#129
[account deactivated]
#130

tpaine posted:

also terry's talking about the sandwich shop, not the underground train tunnel. he calls his local subway THE subway



well obviously

#131
Continued the watch underway as before,
with warship Five Seven on her final tour.

The crew lay asleep in their comfy racks,
entrusting their shipmates would have their backs.

The night was so peaceful, like many before,
as the watch teams waited for what lie in store.

“Boats” stood by with bells at the ready,
while the helm held the ship at a course that was steady.

“Wheels” at his table with the primary plot,
CIC too, though needed he will likely be not.

Navigation lights burning ever so bright,
as this fine Navy vessel sails through the night.

Modified Zebra set main deck and below,
Darken ship too, with no white lights to show.

The ship in condition of readiness three with nothing in sight,
in this wide open sea, no quarrel, no fight.

The ship is steaming ever so free,
with the mighty fine power of one GTE.

Cold is the ship from number 1 and 3 AC’s,
about it I’ll tell you of the SSDG’s.

1 and 3 are creating the power,
so after this watch we can all have hot showers.

1,3 and 5 fire pumps are all at the ready,
to stop any fires that may catch us unsteady.

Number 1 HPAC and number 2 LPAC are both also online,
with those guys in CCS who are one of a kind.

Number 2 reefer runs all through the night,
to keep our great Navy chow just ever so right.

1st Lt. has the Conn, NAV has the deck,
with mustaches combed tight to take on the night.

TrainO looks out over the seas,
as he stands watch as the JOOD.

Our esteemed Captain lay just right below,
his crew at the ready, this he knows.

2012 has gone by so fast,
warship Five Seven completed her tasks.

A new year is here, of this we all know,
but don’t you worry, REUBEN JAMES will set the tone.

To our families back home have a Happy New Year,
we send you our love and our holiday cheer.

Our Shipmates world wide look back with remembrance,
we are fightin’ 57, “BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!”
#132
The lines of imperialism have now literally begun to distort the symbolic into a terrible grotesque.
#133
"your most O.o military experiences" thread is unlocked!
#134
SO this one time while deployed on the MEU we hit port at Guam where everyone went apeshit and got hammered drunk off cheap beer and watered down liquor. We all had to be back at midnight, which led to a smal cramped space filled with belligerently drunk, dumb marines. After all the fighting subsided that night, I was laying in my rack when i heard some one scream "WHAT THE FUCK!! YOU FAGGOT!!"

I peak my head out of the curtains to see another marine, wearing only his silkies, run as fast as he can out of the berthing, being chased by another marine in silkies. THe angry marine then proceeds to start punching the door, and then ripping it form its hinges and chucking it into one of the aisles.

Apparently this dude was sleeping and the guy who ran out was so drunk that he started pulling this dudes skivvies off and jerking him off. He was jerking and sucking this dude off for a good minute before the other guy woke up, and apparently almost blew his load into the rapists mouth.

He spend the whole night looking for the guy, but apparently he hid in the well deck till the next day. When we set sail the next day all his shit was gone and from what I was told he was on a plane back to the states.
#135
Haha we had something similar happen which was also in Guam. It was with this super gay stereotype black guy and a racist redneck guy getting a rapey blowjob while passed out. However this is the gosh dern submarine force and we're all gay so everyone just laughed about it. Black gay guy got kicked out a couple years later for smoking meth

Same gay black guy also called the MPs because he tried to make out with a dude in the barrack and this dude was literally trying to break into his barracks room to beat him into a presumable coma
#136
Somewhat similar O_o story:

We had a dentist at Eglin AFB who liked to knock people out and sexually assault them. His dental assistant or hyginest or whatever, was somewhat in on it I guess, or they had an arrangement or something, so he didn't get found out until he actually knocked out a civilian out in town, and assaulted him but the dude woke up.

Yep. He also liked to use GHB to incapacitate dudes he met at the bar. Was a complete predator. When he got arrested for that, the assistant or whatever apparently sang like a bird to OSI.

So for a few years the joke became "I went to get my wisdom teeth out, and that feels fine, but man my ass is sore!"
#137
So that's how I ended up making out with a guy (full tongue, open mouth) who's mouth was full of blood after I beat theshit out of him.
#138
I wasn't there for this, but when I was in Iraq my old platoon got into a firefight. Some dudes starting shooting at them from a rooftop with a PKM and some other shit. A buddy of mine was gunning in the lead truck returned fire at the guy with the PKM, but had both his 240 and SAW jam on him (we jury rigged a second mount on our turrets for an extra SAW). So he whips out the M9 he's carrying and hits this dude in the stomach several times. By that time my platoon had suppressed these guys, and stormed the building they were in. The other 3 Iraqis gave up without a fight, while the PKM dude was bleeding out on the floor with a little bit of guts poking out. He's spasming all over the place, and his pants are falling off. Our platoon sergeant yells at our medic to fucking do something, and he just shrugs and says "I ain't doing shit, he's fucking dead anyway". He dies of course, and they already knew the god damn IPs would take forever to get there and pick up the body. So they say fuck it, wrap this dude up, and bungee cord him to the hood of a humvee. This all happened a couple weeks after our company had a mass cal and lost 5 of our guys in one Bradley, bringing our company total to 14 KIA. We had some army shrinks at our COP, trying to help us out, making sure none of us were going to fly off the deep end. As the patrol comes back to base another buddy of mine starts blasting "Rock You Like A Hurricane" through the loudspeaker from his iPod, body-bag and blood all over the hood. Supposedly the army shrink team couldn't fucking believe what they were seeing.
#139
Back on the float we used to get care packages of books- every once in a while a mail drop would come with a cardboard box full of them that would get passed from berthing to berthing. There were a few boxes going around the ship, every time a new box came in it would get passed through the berthing cycle (mail clerks would always get the box first because they were dicks).

Anyways, we always got the box last. Every fucking time, because everyone hated us. So one mail shipment we decided to maraud- and take the new book box for ourselves. The heist was simple, and involved entering the mail room and taking the new box from the clerks. They were busy sorting the mail shipment, and the door was left open- so it was easy for two of us to walk in there, bully the stooge sorting letters, and take the box for ourselves. We eloped back to our berthing where we greedily opened our glittering, cardboard prize with a k-bar.

Inside, was shit. We had never actually gotten our hands on a book box before- but it was underwhelming. The contents were, in a word: gay. Science fiction novellas, romances, some flavor-of-the-month paperbacks- it was, aside from a few classics, utterly gay. Setting our sights on the book boxes from afar, when we happened to chance upon them while visitng another berthing, had given us the impression that there would be some real page-turners inside. We were wrong.

So I grabbed a copy of Digital Fortress by Dan Brown, opened it in half, then pulled down my trousers and skivvies and inserted one half between my buttocks.

Let me back up a bit- as I'm sure you require some explanation for why this was my chosen course of action. You see; my ass, is incredible. My rear-end is oddly enough, shaped like an attractive female's hind. My ass could be described as: succulent, juicy, bouncy, bubbly, enticing, or even lusty. In case you haven't gotten the point yet: I've got one fat boypussy. If you cropped out the rest of my muscular frame, and were shown an image of only my behind, you would swear it was taken from the centerfold of Black Men Magazine. Needless to say, I didn't get it solely by means of genetics. I've always taken well to exercises of the legs and gluts, and my physiology shows this. My ass is also incredibly strong, and when I clench it, it's feels like two mounds of titanium. This is why I decided to place the book between these two cheeks of mine.

I placed on half of the book between my cheeks and gripped the other half with both hands. With only the force of my ass to hold the other end, I yanked as hard as I could until I ripped the fiction novel in half. Right down the binding, it split in two. The rest of the berthing was intrigued. If I could manage it, why shouldn't they?

Hands lept into the book box, grabbing paperbacks for the other Marines' own trials. Cammie trousers and skivvy shorts came off, and soon a total of about twenty marines were standing in the berthing- open books clenched in their buttocks. (This is where the 0_o comes in)

The berthing was silent, but the air contained the palpable energy of concentration. Every once in a while a stifled grunt, or moan could be heard as the men wrestled with their literature. First, a large Puerto Rican Marine managed to split Brother Odd by Steve Koontz, and let out a primal, triumphant scream. Freakonomics was next, then Frankenstein, and then American Psycho. One by one the berthing tore the entire contents of the box to shreds, using nothing but our powerful asses.

After we were done, we threw the ruined books back in the box and forgot about it for the rest of the day. Until a female sailor knocked on our berthing door, and asked for the box. We obliged, and handed her the box full of books- their pages ripped, and moist from our butt-sweat. She and her berthing-mates later attempted to complain to our SgtMaj about the incident, but he knew better than to investigate. One unspoken rule about our MEU: you don't know what goes on in our berthing, and you don't want to know.
#140
+ 1 for butt-tearing Freakonomics
#141
*reads thread*
...

The berthing was silent, but the air contained the palpable energy of concentration. Every once in a while a stifled grunt, or moan could be heard as the men wrestled with their literature. First, a large Puerto Rican Marine managed to split Brother Odd by Steve Koontz, and let out a primal, triumphant scream. Freakonomics was next, then Frankenstein, and then American Psycho. One by one the berthing tore the entire contents of the box to shreds, using nothing but our powerful asses.



*slowly decocks gun &places it back in ornate velvet-lined box*


#142
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDQ7hXMLxGc
#143
can't we get back to objectifying Palin please?
i'd drill her federally protected oil reserves
#144
boy id sure "fill her position" and then quit halfway through due to complete disinterest in actually performing the job i was hired to do, if you know what i mean
#145
A guy I know was on a guard tower in Afghanistan. He was partnered with an ANA and every night the ANA would leave and about 20 minutes later his replacement would show up. This gave him just enough time to jerk off, which became his ritual any time he was on that particular tower at night.

One night the ANA left and he whipped it out. Unfortunately the replacement showed up a mere two minutes later. Not to be deterred, he simply faced away from the ANA and jerked off anyway.

That man was me.
#146
Driving behind a suspicious taxi (turned out to be a VBIED), ordered to light it up. .50 jams after the first shot, but it doesn't matter because that single shot went through the heads of the rear passenger AND the driver, ending that issue. Another time, we put a M203 round through the window of a small stone house. I was frankly surprised it didn't collapse, so I guess I thought the damage wouldn't have been that bad (I missed the M203 day in basic). Wrong. There was a red paste splattered all over the room, with these grainy bits of flesh that would leave a trail that you'd follow to a pile of rubble and debris covering a mutilated body.
#147
{ASK} ME about :

LYING ABOUT BEING A US MARINE

HATING ON TRANSPEOPLE BUT SECRETLY DATING ONE

CLAIMING TO HAVE PTSD ON MY OKCUPID PROFILE

HAVING A TRIFORCE TATTOO ON MY NECK
#148
I caught my Section Commander jerking off to Brazilian Horse Beast porn ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS.
#149
whats the deal with all those _____ CURES ______ usernames in GiP? someone make one that says SUICIDE CURES PTSD or somesuch
#150

Superabound posted:

whats the deal with all those _____ CURES ______ usernames in GiP? someone make one that says SUICIDE CURES PTSD or somesuch

if you want something done right you have to do it yourself

#151

libelous_slander posted:

Superabound posted:

whats the deal with all those _____ CURES ______ usernames in GiP? someone make one that says SUICIDE CURES PTSD or somesuch

if you want something done right you have to do it yourself



GUN THERAPY CURES PTSD.

#152
I was at Kandahar in early '09 when one of our PMTs took an EWIA. Me and a few other guys got tapped to guard the guy at the hospital before they could ship him off to wherever half-dead Taliban go. Dude was messed up - he was missing an eye, and a round had punched through one thigh, broke the femur, took his nuts and dick to work and lodged in the other. But he was shooting at one of our teams, so I didn't really feel too bad for that guy.

What fucked me up was the rest of the hospital. I could hear a team working on some British kid who was wounded a few rooms over. It was more interesting than anything else, since he didn't sound like he was messed up too bad and sounded hilariously high on morphine when they brought him in and were asking him questions. There were also a whole bunch of local nationals in there with various injuries and ailments, who were kind of hanging out in a big open bay with a bunch of beds.

So I'm sitting there next to No Nuts Terrorist's room when this little girl walks by. She was maybe eight or nine, had a stump and a bandage where her hand was and was pulling along an IV stand with her. Completely by herself. She stops right in front of me, pisses herself all over the floor and starts crying. I'm punching the button to get a nurse or someone to come help this kid, meanwhile she's just standing in a puddle of her own piss, minus a hand, completely alone in a hospital full of strange scary people she can't understand. It really didn't help that I was a brand new dad to a little girl that I had seen once for about two days at that point.
#153

Goethestein posted:

Somewhat similar O_o story:

We had a dentist at Eglin AFB who liked to knock people out and sexually assault them. His dental assistant or hyginest or whatever, was somewhat in on it I guess, or they had an arrangement or something, so he didn't get found out until he actually knocked out a civilian out in town, and assaulted him but the dude woke up.

Yep. He also liked to use GHB to incapacitate dudes he met at the bar. Was a complete predator. When he got arrested for that, the assistant or whatever apparently sang like a bird to OSI.

So for a few years the joke became "I went to get my wisdom teeth out, and that feels fine, but man my ass is sore!"



In Hohenfels, we had...the exact same thing happen. The dude would gas them up, and touch them everywhere. Sometimes he wouldn't even gas them up, but just be leaaaaaaaaaaning a certain way on people while doing dentist shit on them.

He had like, 50 counts of sexual assault. My roommate was one of them, completely weird. He didn't really *think* anything of it until the first person came forward (apparently they woke up or something with him fondling them, not too sure).


And...we told the exact same joke about wisdom teeth and ass fucking. They actually made it so that there has to be 2 people in the office now at the Hohenfels dentist.

Cool.

#154
The first is my Platoon Sergeant, who pinned me Cpl and had gone through two deployments with, blew his brains out with a 45. The thing that made it worse was that I was his suicide watch the night before. He had made some comments that got reported up, but managed to convice everyone from the CO and Wizard down that he was fine and it had been just another Marine Corps "suckstart my rifle" joke. Including me. So we spent the night having a few beers and bull shitting about the problems in his and my life. Next morning we split ways as I'm advon for a field op at Fort Pickett. That evening I get the call.

The other was Haiti right after the earthquake. We were some of the first Marines to touch land, and I was the NCOIC Landing Support Specialist. So basically all the medevacs to ship from the area were coming through me for the first week or so. A lady brought her tiny ass, shriveled up from starvation and dehydration baby to me to be flown to ship. Except I get word back (after a couple of hours of trying to figure out some way to make this happen) that there's no room on ship for it, and so I have to tell her that I'm sorry, we can't take it. I give her pretty much all the water I had, and do my best to explain to her why I can't take her baby. The next day she comes back with the baby, dead, to tell me that I had killed it.
#155
Haha Haiti was good times. 2/82 was there. Seen it all. Dudes were getting blowjobs through fences, sneaking off with Haitians, all sorts of shit. Was great being a medic, all sorts of illegal shit went down, they were basically used as training for us, the doctors gave no fucks. One of our female medics had a rough time when she found a dead baby in a MRE box. There was no shooting contact, but some folks had to catch beat downs.
#156
to be fair that's like the least amount of being responsible for a dead baby.
#157
[account deactivated]
#158

tpaine posted:

libelous_slander posted:

to be fair that's like the least amount of being responsible for a dead baby.

you would know.



you are OUT OF CONTROL with these accusations today

#159


You can see the headdress fly off of his head before it comes hurtling at the camera
#160
[account deactivated]